My new job put me in the ER and has crossed every boundary I’ve set. Yesterday, I was told I’m no longer employed by one person, and then that I am by someone else. I have no idea if I have a job, but I also cannot work here.
So emergency commissions are open! I also have zines, prints, charms, and more!
my friend asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend because her parents are homophobic af but they ended up hating me so much that they were glad when she said she was gay task failed successfully
okay so
be a goth. conservative christian parents don’t approve of goth men. show up to their house wearing all kinds of satanic symbols if you can
know more about religion than the parents. they’ll try to introduce you to christianity because you don’t exactly look like a christian but your dad’s an ex priest and has a phd in theology so *cracks knuckles* you’ll correct them on every little mistake they make
call your fake girlfriend every annoying petname under the sun. i’m talking about babu, shmoopie, snuffleupagus. when you run out of annoying english terms of endearment call her shit like “my liver” or “my little cabbage” (actual greek terms of endearments but the parents won’t know this they’ll just think you’re annoying :3)
to continue this, talk to your fake girlfriend in the most high pitched annoying voice possible but talk in your regular voice to everyone else
stare at her older brother’s ass for just a little too long
have an annoying laugh. think of sybil fawlty but a stereotypical villain playing a church organ in his castle
let them quote bible verses to you. then ask “so when were those two destroyed for sodomy?”. it’s very funny to do this when judas kisses jesus, and it’s even funnier when you’ve just corrected them over a minor mistake in church history
ask WHY abraham was begging for sodom. it doesn’t make sense to you why a good christian man would go and beg for tha-
be over possessive of your fake gf (dont really do this, it’s just an act)
go and fuck her brother in an alleyway. the parents won’t know about this so it’s an optional step
use words no one knows the meaning of. do this without realising because you always talk like that
just be yourself! that’s enough on its own to make them despise you tbh
yes
i kissed him on the lips infront of his parents and claimed it was the usual greek greeting between men is that enough for you
Are you…. Are you secretly dating her brother OP?
yes
I wonder why
Show up again to admit to dating the brother, but dress like a typical suburbanite and act like you’ve never met the parents before. Absolute power move.
asdgfgsjfh im totally doing this
want an update?
ofc you do
but i’m too tired to write all of what happened down right now so instead try to imagine the most awkward situation you’ve ever been in.
now multiply the awkwardness by 100
first of all i’m just gonna show the difference in what i was wearing
an example of what i would wear as my friend’s fake bf:
and as my boyfriend’s actual bf:
when my bf and i showed up his dad did such a double take
sooo yeah my bf told his parents he’s gay, they looked surprised but told him it was fine… then they shared a look of pure horror (seriously, it was like they had just found out they’re in the matrix) and said
“and uh. why is…he here?”
i went and introduced myself like we had never met before and said i was their son’s boyfriend
:3
i’ve never seen two people look more angry before but they weren’t gonna say anything because they had other family members over
the family members who had never met me before and therefore knew nothing about the fake relationship thing started asking me what faith i am. i said i was raised protestant, though i’m not very religious now, but that’s something i want to change. i had never mentioned anything about being a protestant before and i had said several times that my family was greek orthodox but gaslight gatekeep girlboss
aaaand then the awkwardness began. those were probably the most awkward minutes of my life (we didn’t stay for long because i thought the dad was gonna hit me [he probably was. i saw him clenching his fists several times]) and i don’t think anyone has ever looked at me with such murderous intent as my bf’s parents
update two electric boogaloo ig
i have a girlfriend now🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
leftists on twitter are so mad at this guy for pointing out something that is fundamental to economic organization under modern imperialism lol. imperialist powers take over other nations economies, transform them to be primarily focused on key commodities for export and destroy the rest of their markets for other goods so they depend on selling these specific few commodities to the rest of the world. do you think that under a socialist government people in these countries would want to continue economies based on export of one thing or reorganize their economy to be more self sufficient and actually serve the people directly involved in it. everyone loves to point out stuff like the CIA’s involvement in the coup in guatemala but lose their shit if you point out the implications in their daily american life
somehow instead of saying “as a treat”, I’ve started using the phrase “for morale”, as if my body is a ship and its crew, and I (the captain) have to keep us in high spirits, lest we suffer a mutiny in the coming days.
and so I will eat this small block of fancy cheese, for morale. I will take a break and drink some tea, for morale. I will pick up that weird bug, for morale.
I’m not sure if it helps, but it does entertain me
even if you think there’s no way they’ll have the game u want. they probably do anyway. when i first downloaded flashpoint i thought for sure theres no way they will have the obscure flash game i played for hours as a kid that was only even available on the internet for like 2 months in 2006. but you know what. they had it. seriously, download flashpoint
My boyfriend was on the phone with his dad yesterday so I went out to sit on the patio to pet the geese and play on my phone for a bit, and while out there I came across a comic of baby Grimace (yes, that Grimace) being sad because everyone hated his milkshake and saying he wished he never had a birthday. Then there was a follow up where tons of people had commented saying they loved the shake and wished Grimace a happy birthday, and that made him happy again.
This, for whatever reason, emotionally devastated me. I was sobbing. I was ugly crying so bad that even the geese waddled away side-eyeing me.
After a while my bf yelled from inside, “Okay, you ready for dinner?” and I was forced to accept I had to go back in the house a defeated sniffly little wreck.
My boyfriend, who has only ever seen me cry once in the whole year we’ve been together, looked horrorstruck. He assumed the worst. Someone got hurt. Something was wrong with my family. Someone was mean to me (a cardinal sin). The panic that washed over his face was unparalleled.
He, upon seeing me, (somewhat theatrically) rushed over and grabbed me by the shoulders. “What’s wrong, what happened? Are you okay?” he asked, frantic. “What is it?”
I realized how ridiculous the whole situation was and just shook my head.
He was growing more panicked. “What is it? Why are you crying?”
I then had to stand there and look him, this completely normal human being, in the eyes, and blurt out “Grimace”
Confused silence followed.
“….Grimace?”
I nodded.
“…The McDonalds guy…thing?”
I nodded.
“What…what did…Grimace…do to you?”
I then tearfully recounted the silly internet comic that had absolutely broken my heart. And this poor guy–this poor, wonderfully sweet, nice, patient guy–kindly stood there trying to figure out how to comfort me that Grimace was not, in fact, sad. (Nevermind that he’s a corporate mascot who isn’t real)
This morning my phone rang just after 5am. It was my boyfriend. It was my turn to panic, to assume the worst.
I didn’t even have time to say hello before he started excitedly yelling, “Look at the TikTok I just sent you! Look! Open it!”
Confused and not entirely convinced I wasn’t still asleep, I opened the TikTok.
An official release from McDonalds confirming Grimace (who still isn’t real) did, in fact, feel special on his birthday.
also while we were in the car headed to dinner I remembered the little panel of Grimace crying and I got all teary eyed again, and my boyfriend looked over and, with all the genuine care, compassion, and sympathy this guy could muster, legitimately asked, “Are you having Grimace thoughts again?” which I don’t think I’ll ever let myself live down
